So much to do, so little time. So much to emotionally process, as the hours of depression bore infinitely empty holes in the walls as the hours trickle by. So our lives inch by, sometimes with days feeling like weeks where you need seven naps. That’s the feeling I had when I looked back into […]
Category: Personal reflections
Me, irl
I wake up and walk to a quiet oasis, sit down, load a bowl, and light a cigarette. This is my morning routine, it is the only medicine that calms my anxiety enough to work, and calms my stomach enough to eat. I’ll be putting in a few hours of work from my laptop after […]
Terra’s Temple
She mounts the steps to her temple, minding carefully the cracks in the ancient stone. Centuries ago the pillars crumbled and the roof fell. Now her stride is uneven, but she still walks with the pride of a goddess. The language is lost, her pride would never have connoted a hint of hubris. It once […]
7-Year Cycles and Time Perception
Re-uploaded 7/22/2018 as part of the Archive Restoration Project. This past weekend, my partner and I met with a Crone (pagan term of respect for wise women who’ve moved beyond the Maiden and Mother phases of the Goddess self) who was uninterested in being respected for her age. She told us that every seven years […]
Birthday Post 4: Being 23 and a Half
This summer, I didn’t write on my 23rd birthday. I was working in the wilderness and a friend and coworker insisted that I take as much of a break as possible. I slept under the Colorado stars and read sections of a high fantasy novel, and the camp coordinators slipped some candy into our provisions […]
Here in this Moment
This is part of my restored archives. http://www.jeubfamily.com/2009/03/13/above-fulfillment https://web.archive.org/web/20150529063223/http://www.jeubfamily.com:80/2009/03/13/above-fulfillment When I started blogging, I wrote about being haunted by the words in a song (I still do that all the time). The song is called “More to Life” by Stacie Orrico. It goes like this: Here in this moment I’m halfway out the door On […]
Bare Feet on Broken Ground
Archive restoration note: in this post I referred to God as “Infinite One,” but I no longer believe in a higher power or intelligent design. -Cynthia, July 2018 Today when I stepped outside, I felt the words, “Take off your shoes and make this ground holy.” I grinned and thought, “It’s been so long, Infinite […]
To the Imperfect Ones
“I thought the reason I wasn’t happy, why I didn’t fit in, was because there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t trying hard enough.” I’ve heard it from so many people. They looked like rebels and misfits at the time. This one’s for you, rebels and misfits. The people […]
Compassion as a Prerequisite to Questioning
I used to really hate emotion. I didn’t think it was logical to trust your feelings. What do your emotions know? They’re just a distraction or an obstacle to doing the reasonable thing. As it turns out, intuition is ridiculously helpful. Our subconscious awareness is way ahead of our conscious awareness a lot of the […]
When Positivity is the Problem
The mask I’m grieving is a forced smile. This makes therapy difficult, because many of the solutions to depression include focusing on the positive. My counselors have said they’re working with a rare case – usually they work depressed people toward seeing the bright side of life, but I worked my way to depression through positivity. I […]