This is a repost, as I am in the process of restoring my lost archives. It was originally published January 7, 2015. Last week, my dad sent me an email. Like every email and message he sends, it contained a demand: he wants me to stop saying that my parents are keeping my siblings from […]
Category: Growing Up Jeub
Identifying Manipulative Abuse Tactics
Trigger warning: homophobia, manipulation, abuse Manipulative abusers can be anyone, especially trusted people. This is a longer post than usual because I want to provide a comprehensive source for what a conversation with an abuser looks like. I have multiple examples of conversations like this one, but this argument is ideal because it took place […]
Betrayal and Conviction
This post was originally published on December 24th, 2014. It was one of the last things I wrote about my experiences with prayer before I lost my faith in God entirely. Re-uploaded in 2018 as part of the archive restoration project. For more on the God question, I wrote about my experiences with prayer on my […]
‘She Doesn’t Smile Much’
“So tiny dancer, beware – we’re medicated and scared This smile is so hard to wear So turn away from the ones who hurt everyone I can tell by your smile you’re coming undone And you’re fading with every day… There’s so much left in the air, So much to tell from your stare.” -Seether […]
Born to Breed
CW: I describe unsanitary conditions for childbirth in this post…not sure if that’s a specific trigger for people, but thought it still deserved a warning. “Pull back the curtains Took a look into your eyes My tongue has now become A platform for your lies.” -Cage the Elephant My dad was playing his guitar, and […]
When a Child is Taught to Hate: My Version of the Alicia Story, Part 2
“That’s not despair you’re feeling, it’s the petulant reaction of a wounded child And that’s not the door I’m looking at, it’s an escape hatch to the zeppelin we’re inside… This ain’t an insult, it’s the clearest truth I’ve ever had the misery to speak These aren’t words, these are the terms of my surrender […]
When A Child is Taught to Hate: My Version of the Alicia Story, Part 1
“I’ve been trying to justify you In the end, I will just defy you.” –Dream Theater, ‘Honor Thy Father’ It started with fights, and I’d never heard my parents yelling. I would be in bed already. Alicia had missed her curfew again. Dad was yelling at her. I crawled out of bed and hid at […]
The Love Label
“Don’t give me love, don’t give me faith Wisdom nor pride, give innocence instead Don’t give me love, I’ve had my share Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead.” -Nightwish Imagine growing up in a house where the salt was labeled “sugar,” and the sugar was labeled “salt.” Then you make friends, and they talk about […]
‘I’m Sorry You Lost Your Kids.’
“On prie pour sauver les apparences (To save someone from losing his appearance) Par moment oublier toutes les distances (In this moment you have to let go of all the distances) Sans répit je pense et les silences (Without a break I think, and all the silence) Dissimulent la souffrance de vos absences (The hidden […]
Of Course It Wasn’t All Bad
“I want to become brave and courageous Not buried in self-pity of my own Ashamed and alone from all That’s been done to me It’s not my fault, I remind myself” -Plumb My parents weren’t exclusively abusive. I don’t think they were the worst parents ever. Before I learned about the subtleties of abuse, I’d […]